Justin,
I miss you a lot. I miss Ben a lot. I feel like you guys are really missing out by not being here. There are so many things that I want to share. It has been so long since I have written on you or Ben's tribute site. Things are just a little different now. I don't like to think about, hear about, or talk about suicide. Its like when I talk about it and I'm sad for three weeks straight. The pain of missing Ben takes over and it hurts so badly. I have so many questions that I cannot get answers to until we meet again so I don't even want to think about it if I can't get answers. I only want to think of you and Ben laughing. I don't like the thoughts that enter my head and the images my head conjures up after I discuss suicide. I don't like to think of what mom and Brett and Keith had to see, it makes me sick...I hate those moments. Mom loves hearing funny stories about Ben and she loves watching him on home videos so we do that for her. I am just not ready to talk about suicide. I have so so so many questions, Why you two? Why does anyone feel their only option is suicide? Oh I have so many questions. Justin, please pray for us, I wish I could get a sign from Ben like your mom gets from you. I used to get them and I don't anymore.
Pray for us,
Loving and missing you always,
Amanda
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I didn't get to write anything on here on your Birthday because the site was messed up. I did think of you with only good memories though. I don't cry on your birthday cause I know you are happy. I do cry on my Birthday and Mother's day cause you always loved those days. Always excited to see if I liked my presents. You especially liked the birthday when Dad and Jessica both bought me a Birthday cake. More for you eat:) Thanks for all the signs you send me. They keep me holding on til we see each other again. This spring when I am sitting in your garden, I will remember you hitting golf balls and you'd say look out Mom and I would hear the ball slicing through the leaves on the trees and all I could do was cover my head and pray. I always knew you were a blessing and I am grateful for the 17 years we had together. I still believe there is a reason for all this, I just don't know what it is yet.
Love you,
Mom
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